perfectionists

Are there any perfectionists out there? Recovering perfectionists? I am the latter, but believe me, my old self wants to jump in a lot. For example, my husband just blogged about what an excellent writer I am and how every one will be blessed by my blogs and well, I am freaked out! Here it is 12:51 am and between the excitement of writing and the pressure of wanting to write grand masterpieces, I cannot sleep. I got up to pray, but I have to admit, I couldn't keep my mind on the prayers- all I wanted to do was blog- and blog GREAT! (see what I mean about the former wanting to jump in) Oh boy, do I have it bad or what?
You see, for as long as I can remember,I have been a perfectionist- and it has given me both grand and miserable experiences. Everything I did (sometimes still do) had to be done PERFECTLY and BIG (the big part is my sanguine personality)! As a child and young adult I was never content with just being average- no, no,no. I had to be WONDERFUL, and I had to DO WONDERFUL things! When I would clean my room, I would renovate it completely- we're talking drawers reorganized and furniture rearranged. I couldn't just go in and straighten up- no, I had to re-do the entire picture. And of course my mother always praised me for how wonderful a job I had done which pleased me to no end. Then she would throw in a little "mom jab" ..."but you know Shawna, if you would just do a little bit each day, it wouldn't get so bad and take so long to clean...". And as much as I wanted to, I always failed and lived in a mess that grew bigger and bigger until I could stand it no longer, and would renovate once more. I also remember from middle school through college, desiring to do excellent papers, reports..., and planning every detail out- until it was the last minute and I had to hurriedly scribble something and hope the teacher gave grace. More often than not, I turned in C- work, because by the time I got finished planning for an A, I had no time left to complete the actual work. Can anyone relate? Why are we perfectionists like this? What is it in our brains that causes us to continue in such self-defeating ways? For me, it is plain and simple- I want to be perfect. I want to be the perfect Christian, wife, mother, daughter, friend,employee, student, teacher and every other hat that I wear- which leads me to wonder if I'm not falling for the same hook that Eve fell for... "you will be like God" or in other words- you will be perfect. No, satan is not holding out a piece of fruit for me to eat, but he does tempt me with the idea that I will finally "arrive" and and I will be loved by all; no one will be angry with me or find fault with me anymore- if I could just work hard enough to attain this long sought after dream.The more I reread this (perfectionism again) the more I uncover my reason for perfectionism- I want people to like me. I hate conflict, and when people are angry with me my first response is to feel awful! "Oh no," I think, " I messed up again!" But as I grow in my relationship with Christ, I see more and more that I don't have to be perfect. God loves me anyway, just as I am. And, it is okay if people get upset with me, so long as I make it right and don't let bitterness, anger, or depression chip away at me. I know this sounds simple, but for a recovering perfectionist, it is a HUGE step (didn't I say I had to do BIG things). So, day by day, I try to remember that my house doesn't have to be spotless (not even close right now), my kids are going to make messes (but that is part of being one and three), and if I serve "one-step" pancakes (instead of homemade), I am not a bad mother- I just want to have more time to do the really important things (like playing Dora Candly Land with my daughter and spending time with my husband). So, to all you perfectionists and recovering perfectionists, I say, "It's okay if it's not perfect,"and I say this next part with love and to myself as well as all of you- "quit wasting your energy on trying to be perfect, and instead just rest in the arms of Jesus."
Until the next blog...
-Shawna