Letting Go

In my closet is a long, plastic box. I have kept the box for several years now. My heart used to ache whenever I saw that box- that's why it stayed hidden out of my sight for two years- but now, I feel a tugging, a gentle whisper to Let go. I felt the same whisper over four years ago when I found out I was expecting Hannah. My heart swirled with anxiety at the idea, but in a very deep way, I knew it was time. Chris (my husband) and I trekked through Victoria Bryant in early July carrying three precious containers until we came to a flowing creek that was so beautiful with the sun streaming down on it. After a few short words, we opened the containers and released our most precious possessions into the water below- our children's ashes. You see, as young newlweds, we desired to have children soooo badly- yet we couldn't. No matter how hard we tried, we remained infertile. Finally, I went to the doctor, and she declared me "infertile." Oh how it broke my heart! But, she put me on some medicine to try to fix me. Lo and behold, it worked! I immediately became pregnant with twins! Chris and I were so excited! The months passed and I began to feel tiny taps and flutterings- I could feel my babies! I would let Chris feel my stomach, but I'm not sure he really felt anything- but boy I did! But our joy was to be short-lived. Four and half months after carrying the twins, I began having contractions a few weeks before Christmas. Then my water broke. Three days later, I went into labor. Benjamin "Benny" Wesley Collick was born close to 4:00 PM on December 18th. Annabelle Grace Collick was eight hours or so later (yes, I had to go through labor twice!). So much more happened that night but I will spare you the details. We did, however, decide to have our babies cremated (I did not want them buried- I wanted them right beside me), and we had a beautiful memorial service for them. A friend gave us two beautiful Asian baby urns, and we placed our babies ashes into them. I kept those urns out, so that I could see them. I rocked them and cried- heart-broken as to why God would let this happen, and I did my best to go on with life. In May of the next year, I discovered I was pregnant again. This time Chris and I held our breaths and waited until the fourth month was past. At five months, we began to breathe again. Our hopes started coming back, and we were positive that this baby would live. How happy we were. I welcomed each hard kick and flip. I welcomed all pregnancy discomforts! But this joy was to be short-lived also. At the beginning of our sixth month, I experienced contractions on the way to school (I was a teacher), and within a few hours my water had once again broken. Again, I won't supply you with all the details, but a few days later, I went into labor and delivered Matthew Christopher Collick. This time, Chris and I were devestated. Our newly reblossoming faith in God's goodness was ripped apart and crushed as we held our lifeless precious baby boy. He was beautiful- in truth, he looked a lot like Jeremy (our son). Well, once more we chose cremation instead of burial, and instead of a baby, I carried home a bag, some clothes, and a hardened heart. Everything really went down hill after that, until one night when I just started singing to God the song "He is Able." When I got to the part that says, "...if He chooses not to move in the way that we prayed He would, then confident, He's working all together for my good..." (Truth), I just kept singing that part over and over until finally I just started telling God how much I loved Him and nomatter what He chose to do ,I would still praise Him and still love Him! And at that point, He spoke to my heart so sweetly: Because you were willing to give it all up and trust Me no matter what, I have granted your request."
Well not very long after I found out I was pregnant again, and this time, scared though I was, I prayed and trusted God that I would not miscarry again. And it was then that God spoke to my heart and told me to Let go.
And now, here I am, over four years later, and once again His still small voice is speaking to me. Only this time, I have a beautiful daughter and a sweet (but mischievous) son. My life is filled with dishes and diapers and learning the abc's all over again (how many times can you sing that song without feeling like you're going to go bonkers??), and a box that still sits in my closet- a box that God is tugging at my heart to let go of. Now, I am no fool and I will not get rid of all my memories, but I feel God whispering to my heart to let some of the things in that box go. In that box are several blankets- blankets that held my children and blankets that I rocked my urns in. There is also a little outfit that Matthew wore. Yes, I could keep them and let time ruin them. Or I could find someone who needs them instead of my children- who are probably giving Jesus heart palpitations right now- after all they're "my" children and I know how I was let alone my offspring... and who are never going to have any need of the stuff again. There are still foot prints and bracelets and cards from loved ones, but these I do not hear God saying to let go- or maybe I just don't want to hear that yet. But the blankets and clothes (and some books) are peeling themselves away from my heart.
So, once more, I will let go. I will give to others what I myself lost. And that,I believe is the best way I could ever honor my children's memory.