a little maid

do you ever feel insignificant?Do you ever feel like what you do/are doing doesn't really matter? Sometimes as a mom, I feel this way. I feel like changing diapers and potty training my three year old, teaching my one year old how to eat (and thereby ending up covered with sticky arms, hands, sleeves and jeans- he loves to grab whatever part of me (usually my sleeve) he can reach while he is eating (but I digress), and doing the other hundred myriad things that moms do is just not really that important on the "working for Jesus" list. After all, surely there must be something more "ministry-oriented" than picking poop up off the floor once and even sometimes twice daily! The past two days I have been studying Naaman's recovery from leprosy, and today a verse jumped out at me that has been there all along, but seemed to really be from God for my (and maybe yours too) current circumstances: "...and had bought away captive out of the land of Israel a little maid; and she waited on Naaman's wife." II Kings 5: 2 b-c
Hmm, a little maid. Just yesterday I caught myself saying to my daughter when she informed me that she had dropped her froggy, "Then pick it up; you're a big girl. Besides, I'm not your personal maid." Now I did not say this in a mean manner, just very matter-of- fact. But again, I digress. Sometimes mother hood can make you feel like a "little maid" (is there anyone out there? Can I get an "amen!") So, I went a little further: "And she (the little maid) said unto her mistress, Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy." II Kings 5: 3 KJV
Now picture this with me. This little woman/girl is Naaman's wife's personal servant. She takes care of her with the utmost concern. I am sure that she did mundane chores daily for her mistress. And I wonder if this little maid ever felt invisible, insignificant, or just plain taken advantage of at times? But then, in the midst of a normal day, she made a comment about the prophet Elisha. And because of her comment Naaman went to the prophet and was healed after dipping seven times in the Jordan River. Wow! I doubt the little maid said to herself when she woke up, "today, I will start the ball rolling for Naaman's cure." No, she probably got up and served her mistress breakfast in bed and started letting light into the room, pulling clothes out... whatever little maids did in Bible times. But that little maid loved her mistress and must have seen her very worried or sad over her husband's leprosy, so she spoke up. WHy, because of love and compassion. Now as moms, I know we love our children with all our hearts, but still sometimes we get frustrated when we're stuck in a "rut" doing the same chores and activities over and over (Do you ever count how many times you sweep the floor- for me it's approximately five-six times per day- I'm not kidding- three meals and at least two snacks times two makes lots of crumbs). But we never know when our children may speak something into our lives that is so profound (out of the mouth of babes),or when we may speak something into their young hearts that changes them (in a good way) forever. In other words, every day, every duty, is a chance to experience a miracle! Who knows what God might do through you while you are sweeping the floor or changing diapers. Who knows what thought He might plant in your head for a different season in your life. SO, don't grumble and complain that you're just a"little maid". Embrace it! Enjoy serving your children, because in all truth, even though we may not think what we're doing is "ministry", God does, and He is cheering us on! And, you never know what the new day may hold for you, your family, or your future. I love you moms, and I'm praying for you!
(Oh and in case you think I am frustrated with being a stay-at-home mom, I'm not. I love it ( I just sometimes get frustrated with doing the same chores over and over- but not being with my kids)

Until the next blog,

dipping only six times

"And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean." II Kings 5:10 KJV

Is anyone out there impatient? I was thinking about my life as of late, and I realize that so many times I choose to dip only six times instead of the full seven. Truth be told, sometimes I only dip once or twice before I give up because I haven't seen the results I want. I wonder what would have happened if Naaman had only dipped six times, or even only three or four. Using my sanctified imagination, I can imagine myself in his position
Dip one: Look at body- I'm gonna be clean- yeah praise God!
Dip two: Look at body more closely- Not yet- but I'm gonna be clean- yeah!
Dip three: Begin to scrutinize specific parts of body- Ugh! I don't see any difference! Maybe I made a mistake in listening to that prophet- after all he wouldn't even come and see me in person- just sent a messenger but I'll try again- grumble, grumble, grumble...
Dip four: Okay, I bet I look like the biggest fool to everybody- looking at body- I don't see any difference
Dip five: Okay, maybe I need to dip harder, faster, more forcefully, maybe I am supposed to dive into the water- I do it and still no change
Dip six: I'm not doing this again if it doesn't work. I just really misunderstood what I was supposed to do. I'm going to try something else.
And without the prompting of the HOly Spirit, I probably would have talked myself out of a seventh dip therby cancelling my healing. Why do I do this, I ask myself. What is it in me that drives me to want to give up before I reach my goal? For me, it boils down to two things: laziness and fear. In college I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease- Fibromyalgia. Now, if anyone out there thinks it is "all in your head" come see me! Anyway, back to my story, two things happened the spring semester of my junior year: one, I made the part of an understudy bride in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and two I almost quit college. I was carrying sixteen hours of detailed and highly hands-on classes, so I was already stressed. Add to that the fierce pain that made it hard to walk, laugh, eat... and I was stressed to the max! Because of fear, I backed out of the play- even though I had been so excited to be a part of it. I was afraid that it would be too much for me with all my other commitments, so I gave up the chance to be a lead role (which I had always dreamed of- I love to sing and dance) in a musical (I would have performed twice) because of fear.
Because of laziness (plus pain) I went to the dean and asked him if I could please withdraw (or even take failing grades) and get out of this program. I felt confused and scared because the work was really hard and I wasn't sure I had chosen the right major, heard correctly from God, you name it, I gave the excuse! And Dean Beaddy listened to me cry and complain until I ran out of steam. Then he said the words "But you're not a quitter." He was calm and kind, but firm. And I smiled and chastised him for reminding me of the fact; then prayed and squared my shoulders back and finished college with a 3.37 GPA. It is a fact that I am very thankful for and proud of because I know God helped me finish.
So, as of late, I have really been asking God to help me with "stick-with-it-ness"-after all, I don't want to miss my "healing" because of fear or laziness. Oh, and I think part of why I have a "quitters mentality" at times, is because I jump into things based on my feelings rather than facts. I go with mygut a lot. And, although I have a good gut, God's word is so much better for me to base my decisions on. I'm tired of dipping six times and missing all the good things God has for me- what about you?
Until the next blog,
-S

Letting Go

In my closet is a long, plastic box. I have kept the box for several years now. My heart used to ache whenever I saw that box- that's why it stayed hidden out of my sight for two years- but now, I feel a tugging, a gentle whisper to Let go. I felt the same whisper over four years ago when I found out I was expecting Hannah. My heart swirled with anxiety at the idea, but in a very deep way, I knew it was time. Chris (my husband) and I trekked through Victoria Bryant in early July carrying three precious containers until we came to a flowing creek that was so beautiful with the sun streaming down on it. After a few short words, we opened the containers and released our most precious possessions into the water below- our children's ashes. You see, as young newlweds, we desired to have children soooo badly- yet we couldn't. No matter how hard we tried, we remained infertile. Finally, I went to the doctor, and she declared me "infertile." Oh how it broke my heart! But, she put me on some medicine to try to fix me. Lo and behold, it worked! I immediately became pregnant with twins! Chris and I were so excited! The months passed and I began to feel tiny taps and flutterings- I could feel my babies! I would let Chris feel my stomach, but I'm not sure he really felt anything- but boy I did! But our joy was to be short-lived. Four and half months after carrying the twins, I began having contractions a few weeks before Christmas. Then my water broke. Three days later, I went into labor. Benjamin "Benny" Wesley Collick was born close to 4:00 PM on December 18th. Annabelle Grace Collick was eight hours or so later (yes, I had to go through labor twice!). So much more happened that night but I will spare you the details. We did, however, decide to have our babies cremated (I did not want them buried- I wanted them right beside me), and we had a beautiful memorial service for them. A friend gave us two beautiful Asian baby urns, and we placed our babies ashes into them. I kept those urns out, so that I could see them. I rocked them and cried- heart-broken as to why God would let this happen, and I did my best to go on with life. In May of the next year, I discovered I was pregnant again. This time Chris and I held our breaths and waited until the fourth month was past. At five months, we began to breathe again. Our hopes started coming back, and we were positive that this baby would live. How happy we were. I welcomed each hard kick and flip. I welcomed all pregnancy discomforts! But this joy was to be short-lived also. At the beginning of our sixth month, I experienced contractions on the way to school (I was a teacher), and within a few hours my water had once again broken. Again, I won't supply you with all the details, but a few days later, I went into labor and delivered Matthew Christopher Collick. This time, Chris and I were devestated. Our newly reblossoming faith in God's goodness was ripped apart and crushed as we held our lifeless precious baby boy. He was beautiful- in truth, he looked a lot like Jeremy (our son). Well, once more we chose cremation instead of burial, and instead of a baby, I carried home a bag, some clothes, and a hardened heart. Everything really went down hill after that, until one night when I just started singing to God the song "He is Able." When I got to the part that says, "...if He chooses not to move in the way that we prayed He would, then confident, He's working all together for my good..." (Truth), I just kept singing that part over and over until finally I just started telling God how much I loved Him and nomatter what He chose to do ,I would still praise Him and still love Him! And at that point, He spoke to my heart so sweetly: Because you were willing to give it all up and trust Me no matter what, I have granted your request."
Well not very long after I found out I was pregnant again, and this time, scared though I was, I prayed and trusted God that I would not miscarry again. And it was then that God spoke to my heart and told me to Let go.
And now, here I am, over four years later, and once again His still small voice is speaking to me. Only this time, I have a beautiful daughter and a sweet (but mischievous) son. My life is filled with dishes and diapers and learning the abc's all over again (how many times can you sing that song without feeling like you're going to go bonkers??), and a box that still sits in my closet- a box that God is tugging at my heart to let go of. Now, I am no fool and I will not get rid of all my memories, but I feel God whispering to my heart to let some of the things in that box go. In that box are several blankets- blankets that held my children and blankets that I rocked my urns in. There is also a little outfit that Matthew wore. Yes, I could keep them and let time ruin them. Or I could find someone who needs them instead of my children- who are probably giving Jesus heart palpitations right now- after all they're "my" children and I know how I was let alone my offspring... and who are never going to have any need of the stuff again. There are still foot prints and bracelets and cards from loved ones, but these I do not hear God saying to let go- or maybe I just don't want to hear that yet. But the blankets and clothes (and some books) are peeling themselves away from my heart.
So, once more, I will let go. I will give to others what I myself lost. And that,I believe is the best way I could ever honor my children's memory.

thoughts

you know, I was just spending some time in the Word of God and I got to thinking about the garden of Gesthemane (sp?) and how Jesus was praying,Please take this cup away from me, Father... nevertheless not my will, but Yours be done. I have read some commentaries and I think even heard some comments that Christ was not concerned about the pain of the cross; He was concerned about the pain of carrying everyone's sins- which makes me say- Bullocks! Yes, of course Jesus was not looking forward to the pain of carrying everyone's sins and having the Father turn away- I am sure of that-but I am SURE that He was also not looking forward to all the physical pain He was going to endure. I mean, come on! I hate just having a small ache or cold or virus- and here Jesus was about to be crucified after being beaten unmercifully, having His beard ripped (not "plucked" like an eyebrow- horrifically yanked out!) and spit on and mocked!And you think He was only thinking about the spiritual pain? I don' t think so! I can't stand when people take the "humanness" away from Christ and say He was only concerned about "spiritual things". He was flesh and blood who cried when He was in pain and laughed when He was happy. For me, it helps to remind myself of this when I am suffering physically to know that it is okay to be in pain and not try to "keep a stiff upper lip" (And no, that doesn't give anyone the right to be hateful to people, but it is okay to cry).

- Has anyone noticed the shrinking of inspirational fiction space in Barnes and Nobles and Borders?

a nut that's cracking

you know, I am like a nut that is cracking open. For so long, I have loved to write. I mean really loved to write. But I have never really had anyone (besides Mom and my hubby- thanks guys!)to read anything I have written. And now, I am like a nut, just bursting with information to put down in writing. All the story ideas, songs, poems... that have been brewing and swirling inside of me are dying to come forth for all to see. We shall see what happens. Maybe this blog will be for me what American Idol was to Carrie Underwood- a door that opens to something bigger. Who knows?
Until the next blog
-Shawna

musings

Quickly-
I just read some of Jason Campbell's poetry and thoughts (see my husband's blog-hope households and hockey pucks for the link- it's worth it) (ccollick.wordpress.com) I just have to agree. Oh how my heart longs to grow closer to Christ- yet I want it without the work- without the sacrifice. I am afraid that I will become so heavenly minded, I am no earthly good. Yet, my heart longs to grow- regardless of the sacrifice- regardless of what anyone thinks- I say hear hear- let me grow figs!
until the next blog
-Shawna

not a devotion

Hey all!
Thought I would take the time to tell you a little about myself.
I am married to a wonderful man and have two beautiful, and lively children who are three and one. I work part time for my church as their nursery/preschool ministry coordinator, and I am a certified teacher (but currently staying at home with my kids). I currentlyhave no pets, but in the future I would love to have a beagle or a daschund. I love to play board games, read and write. My favorite books are contemporary Christian ficition. I listen to all kinds of music; it just depends on what mood I am in. I really enjoy a caramello latte and homemade cakes and cookies, but I am trying to cut down on them at the moment. Oh, I also really like to cook.

Please know that not all my blogs will be "devotionals"; sometimes I will just send out my ideas and thoughts. I welcome comments.

until the next blog
-Shawna

cleaning house

Well, I just finished doing some house cleaning and I have to say that as much as I am not crazy about swishing toilets and mopping floors, I always feel so much better when it is done. In fact, a really clean house (shiny and clean smelling) always puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step (I know- I have issues.) The only thing I like better is walking into an office supply store (like Office Depot/Max). I mean when I smell the paper and ink and see all the pens and colored stacks of paper... wow! (Again, I know, I have issues) But I digress- back to cleaning. There is just something so comforting to know that all the hidden dirt and grime and GERMS that have been inhabiting our house have been kicked to the curb once more. Take that dirt! And once again,we are free to relax in our homes even invite others into it. I think that as Christians we tend to get bogged down with sin and grime just like our homes- those words we spoke too hastily in anger, the juicy tale we just had to tell someone, and just plain apathy towards God. But when we come to Him and ask Him to clean us up, it's like BAM! Our hearts are once more sparkling and free to shine and let God's love- just like our houses. so the next time you have to roll up your sleeves, or bend your knees, remember, you'll feel so much better when the cleaning's all done.
Until the next blog
-Shawna

perfectionists

Are there any perfectionists out there? Recovering perfectionists? I am the latter, but believe me, my old self wants to jump in a lot. For example, my husband just blogged about what an excellent writer I am and how every one will be blessed by my blogs and well, I am freaked out! Here it is 12:51 am and between the excitement of writing and the pressure of wanting to write grand masterpieces, I cannot sleep. I got up to pray, but I have to admit, I couldn't keep my mind on the prayers- all I wanted to do was blog- and blog GREAT! (see what I mean about the former wanting to jump in) Oh boy, do I have it bad or what?
You see, for as long as I can remember,I have been a perfectionist- and it has given me both grand and miserable experiences. Everything I did (sometimes still do) had to be done PERFECTLY and BIG (the big part is my sanguine personality)! As a child and young adult I was never content with just being average- no, no,no. I had to be WONDERFUL, and I had to DO WONDERFUL things! When I would clean my room, I would renovate it completely- we're talking drawers reorganized and furniture rearranged. I couldn't just go in and straighten up- no, I had to re-do the entire picture. And of course my mother always praised me for how wonderful a job I had done which pleased me to no end. Then she would throw in a little "mom jab" ..."but you know Shawna, if you would just do a little bit each day, it wouldn't get so bad and take so long to clean...". And as much as I wanted to, I always failed and lived in a mess that grew bigger and bigger until I could stand it no longer, and would renovate once more. I also remember from middle school through college, desiring to do excellent papers, reports..., and planning every detail out- until it was the last minute and I had to hurriedly scribble something and hope the teacher gave grace. More often than not, I turned in C- work, because by the time I got finished planning for an A, I had no time left to complete the actual work. Can anyone relate? Why are we perfectionists like this? What is it in our brains that causes us to continue in such self-defeating ways? For me, it is plain and simple- I want to be perfect. I want to be the perfect Christian, wife, mother, daughter, friend,employee, student, teacher and every other hat that I wear- which leads me to wonder if I'm not falling for the same hook that Eve fell for... "you will be like God" or in other words- you will be perfect. No, satan is not holding out a piece of fruit for me to eat, but he does tempt me with the idea that I will finally "arrive" and and I will be loved by all; no one will be angry with me or find fault with me anymore- if I could just work hard enough to attain this long sought after dream.The more I reread this (perfectionism again) the more I uncover my reason for perfectionism- I want people to like me. I hate conflict, and when people are angry with me my first response is to feel awful! "Oh no," I think, " I messed up again!" But as I grow in my relationship with Christ, I see more and more that I don't have to be perfect. God loves me anyway, just as I am. And, it is okay if people get upset with me, so long as I make it right and don't let bitterness, anger, or depression chip away at me. I know this sounds simple, but for a recovering perfectionist, it is a HUGE step (didn't I say I had to do BIG things). So, day by day, I try to remember that my house doesn't have to be spotless (not even close right now), my kids are going to make messes (but that is part of being one and three), and if I serve "one-step" pancakes (instead of homemade), I am not a bad mother- I just want to have more time to do the really important things (like playing Dora Candly Land with my daughter and spending time with my husband). So, to all you perfectionists and recovering perfectionists, I say, "It's okay if it's not perfect,"and I say this next part with love and to myself as well as all of you- "quit wasting your energy on trying to be perfect, and instead just rest in the arms of Jesus."
Until the next blog...
-Shawna

welcome to my first blog

Hey all!
Welcome to my first blog! My husband and good friends have jumped on the proverbial blogging "wagon", and after listening to them and reading their blogs, I have decided to jump with them. What can I say? I am a writer at heart and anything that lets me share my thoughts and ideas makes me really excited. Plus, I hope that this blog can be an encouragement to stay-at-home moms- whether that encouragement comes from humorous life events (I have a toddler and a preschooler- what more do I need to say), a word in season, or even a scripture or prayer that touches your hearts.
Well, it is late, so I will go for now.
Blessings to you all, and know that God loves you with an everlasting love!